It troubles me when well-meaning individuals give the advice, “Stay away from negative people.”
I can understand avoiding “toxic” people such as bullies, sociopaths, conflict instigators and destroyers of the good. In fact, the medical recommendation in many cases is to do just that — walk away, don’t look back and hang up the phone if your tormentor calls.
However, negative people, unlike toxic people, may be more about vulnerability and less about vice. The label seems unfair if there is an underlying frailty.
What is a negative person and why are they negative? Consider this definition of negativity: “A tendency to be downbeat, disagreeable, and skeptical. It’s a pessimistic attitude that always expects the worst. Negative outcomes are bad outcomes like losing a game, getting a disease, suffering an injury, or getting something stolen.”
The description sounds very much like the sadness, irritability, hopelessness and catastrophic thinking that are part of depression or anxiety.
Negativity is not necessarily about ingrained disposition. It could be derailment. An optimistic, naturally cheery person can be thwacked by circumstances, chronic or acute, making them seem like an Eeyore when they are really a Pooh (A.A. Milne’s classic characters, morose and upbeat respectively).
We have all been there. A breakup, homesickness, illness, betrayal, job loss, longstanding emotional abuse from caregivers — these circumstances take a toll on us. It is very difficult to smile when you want to cry and it is a great relief when you can tell someone what is actually going on. All this to say that the negative person in your life may be a suffering person who needs you to reach out rather than avoid them. If their despair shows up in the form of irritability or even hostility, it may be worth trying to perceive the deeper issue. Your efforts might help them, enhance the interpersonal dynamic and improve the milieu.
On the other hand, pessimistic leanings do exist, but even this is not necessarily a bad characteristic. These people are good preparers, critical thinkers and serious planners. So the next time you encounter a negative person, take a deeper look. Otherwise, you miss something important about their current circumstances — or disregard strengths that they bring to the table.